Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car. He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal

Farmer Brown put up a pig-shaped weather vane, but he's not happy with it. Instead of pointing with the wind, the pig vane keeps pointing toward the feed trough.

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Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at h er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?

Falling from a Window by Eileen Dowt

Fade Awayby Peter Out

Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:"Mother said there would be knights like this."

Examiner: I think you know very little, if anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage? Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.' Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another? Student: 'Go thou and do likewise.'

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?

Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio.

For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days

Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some.

*A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

*Always look on the negative side, so you'll never be dissapointed.

*Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress and says...

"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"